The day Speedy saved me

When I was 11 years old, I woke up one morning and noticed there was a spot on my face that was lighter than the rest of my face. It may have been a gradual change and I just took notice this day or maybe it happened over night, I can’t say for sure. What I am sure of is on this day while getting ready for school it was there. The level of panic and fear that came over me was immense. I was 11; already feeling like a misfit then I’m in the early stages of puberty (another level of awkwardness) then you add this new dynamic, I was mortified. I was convinced that life as I knew it was over. Interestingly enough though, life hadn’t been great up to this point. I was already being bullied and I didn’t have many friends and God knows I hated the school I was in. The last thing I needed was to add another “X” on my back.

As time went on the pigment in my face was disappearing more and more and I am becoming more and more self-conscience. My mother took me to so many doctors. I had my face poked, prodded, scrapped and tested more times than I can remember. It was torture. But what was worse was there was never a diagnosis. Never a cause. Which meant no solution. By my sophomore year in HS, it was spread over more than 1/4 of my face. I was so embarrassed. The stares, the jokes the mocking was soul shattering. I was called so many different things. I think the worst was Beethoven. Not the classical composer, the dog. The dog from the movie. The bottom of his face was white while the top was brown. This is what I had been reduced to; a four legged creature that ate out of the trash. The mockery tore me to shreds. I laughed through it but on the inside, I was crying, sobbing even. I had no strength to fight back. I hated the way I looked I hated the way I felt, I felt I had no redeeming qualities. My confidence no longer existed (if it ever really did).

My junior year my brother saw how I was struggling, and he and my mom got together and decided to purchase me this makeup. It was designed to cover scars and blemishes on your face. I was so grateful. I felt, finally I could live a normal life. I was at a new school and I felt I had a chance for a new start. It required me to get up earlier to apply but to me it was worth it. It got me through the rest of my HS years with considerable success. While it didn’t undo any of the damage that has been done in previous years, I was grateful to finish without any new emotional scars.

High school was over, and I was trying to find my stride. Still applying my makeup daily, I was able to secure a job at a great place in the north Loop (if you’re from Chicago you know what that means), and I loved this place. The people were great. I worked in the mail room, so we had no real expectations aside from delivery. It was like a party every day. One morning I overslept and didn’t have time to apply my makeup. I was faced with a decision, either put the makeup on and be late or skip it and make the train on time. This day I chose to skip it. I hadn’t had this job long enough to start putting it in jeopardy. But I knew what skipping it meant. It meant that I would be exposed. I would be found out. I was putting myself it a tricky situation because even though these were adults, I had no idea how they would respond. My entire train ride I was on pins and needles. I went into the office like I did every other day. I saw them looking but no one said anything for a long time. Then a girl I sat next to finally got the courage to ask. I knew her questions were not from a mean place. I did my best answer, but she could also tell I was getting uncomfortable, so she stopped asking. After lunch, another co-worker approached me and began asking questions. This time it was a guy. He was affectionately known as Speedy. Speedy was such a cool guy. He was never inappropriate; you could tell he had a solid up bringing and he was just an all-around nice guy. He came to my desk and he said, “hey can I ask you a question?” I said sure. He said, “has your face always been this way?” Of course, I replied with a yes. “Why do you cover it” I said with so much shame “because it’s easier. I’m really embarrassed by it.” It was his next statement that changed me forever. He said “you should never be embarrassed by who God made you. If this is who you are you should be proud.” That was 23 years ago. Until this very day those words have stayed with me. That was the last time I ever coved my face. While I still have no explanation for what why or even how, what I know for an absolute fact is that this is how God made me. If he made me this way, then this is how I’m supposed to be. While I know and accept all this now, it was not easy crawling out of that darkness. But Speedy got me off to an amazing start. I have always been grateful for what he gave me that day. It was the first time I felt “seen”. I was a flawed individual like everybody else. It just so happened my difference is visible. But he made me feel like I was just like everybody else. That was the first time I had ever felt accepted.

Today I am so proud of myself for all the emotional work I have done. I feel good about who I am, and I understand that I am not my skin. I am more than the skin I’m in. When we were little kids we use to say “stick and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This is probably the biggest misconception in the history of the world. The words that I heard growing up destroyed me. Being beat up and singled out for being different broke me. Words hurt. Words destroy. Words kill. Bullying is not ok. Its not funny, its not something that kids need to develop thick skin. People need to feel loved and supported. All I felt growing was shame and embarrassment and like I was not good enough. No child should ever feel that. I have made it my life’s mission to support and upbuild children. I started with my own, I always taught my babies that they were exactly who God wanted them to be. At my last job I told all my students that any space I was working was a bully free zone. I had absolutely no tolerance for it. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that mockery. I would never want another child to grow up broken. Love yourself for who you are and allow others to walk in their truth as well.

I want to continue being “Speedy” for others. I know I have a story to tell and hopefully my story can save both the victim and the perpetrator. We never know where our road leads but I have promised God where he leads I will follow………