Well I am back. After a long and emotional summer I am back. So many things happened over the last 3 months and I want to share all of it (that I can remember) with you. This post is going to be a little longer than usual so here goes.
My last child graduated from High School in June and has transitioned to college. The graduating process was, in and of itself more than a notion. There was senior night, awards night, mom prom, regular prom, and graduation! Not to mention he still had class to attend and work to turn in, college applications to complete and essays to write. The stakes were high but my boy finished his high school career with 15 college acceptance letters and a 3.6 GPA. The level of pride that I felt was unmatched. The tears I cried during his graduation were from a deep place inside me. See, the odds were severely stacked against him in so many ways. But he defied all those odds and is now a freshman at Illinois State University. Move-in day was extremely emotional. Once we got all of his things moved into his room and got him settled, it was time for us to head home. All of those emotions came down on me like a ton of bricks. I see my 18 year old 6’ son standing in front of me and somehow I can't see past my 5 year old baby. I cried. More accurately I wept. I wept sorely. The level of sadness and joy I felt simultaneously was overwhelming. I was leaving my baby. I felt like he wasn’t ready for this. Truthfully it was me that wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to let him go. As much as I wanted him to grow into the man that I raised him to become, it was incredibly difficult to end this phase. But we left him, I cried most of the way back home but we left him.
Brina began her Junior year in college and moved into her own apartment. Her having a roommate wasn’t working out for her well so when an opportunity was presented for her to have her own place on campus she jumped on it. While she has lonely moments she’s enjoying her time and space. This summer having her home was definitely interesting. I learned things about her that I never knew and gained a better understanding of who she is as a person. This summer was very healing for the both of us and our relationship is growing and healing. So much so that when I took her to the bus to go back to school, again I cried. It was hard leaving her this time. We had made so much progress that I hated to see her go. But she is doing extremely well in her classes. She calls me daily while I may hear from Jaylin weekly. She is working so hard to finish strong. She is so driven. She completed an internship this summer with PepsiCo, and became a published writer and she loved every minute of it. It really helped her find focus and hone in on how she wants to use her degree.
My husband and I, while preparing to have an empty nest, celebrated 20 years of marriage. I know I don’t talk about him much but 20 years, which is equivalent to my entire adult life, I have been married to this man. I don’t think I could have chosen a better person to do life with. Have the last 20 plus years been easy, God no. We have been met with our fair share of issues but what has always been important is that we always managed to figure it out.
My mom turned 80 this summer as well. For some reason that has been so hard to digest. There was a huge party for her and we celebrated all of her years on earth and all that she accomplished in her 80 years.
This summer I was elevated in my position at church as well. I went from an associate minister to the Assistant Pastor. That was jaw dropping all by itself but it comes with such a heavy responsibility that I didn’t personally think I was ready for. But here I am, doing my best to fill these shoes. The bible says to whom much is given much is required. I want to not only be my best but give God my absolute best.
So now my husband and I are empty nesters. This is a very new feeling. We don’t know life without children. Our oldest is 23 years old. We got married with 2 children. So to be at this stage is huge. The transition from being hands on day to day parents to having no one to take care of took its toll on me emotionally. Not in a negative way but more in a self reflective way. I needed to sit with who I was now. What was my identity now? My children are gone, my husband has life, who am I? So I finished up my summer by getting to know Brenda a little bit better. The new Brenda. The Brenda that puts herself first without remorse. I have been taking care of myself both physically and emotionally. I am learning this new version of my husband and I’ve decided, I’ll keep him (LOL). I love this time that I have had to get quiet and hear my thoughts and feelings. I miss my kids desperately but I also know and understand the importance of taking care of myself.
Of all the things I experienced this summer, the most important lesson I learned is that evolution is inevitable. You have to be able to change with life or you will get stuck. I experienced a lot of changes in a very short period of time. I could have sat and felt sorry for myself and been miserable or I can embrace these new phases as they are happening. Embracing it has not only given me peace but has opened up my mind to new things and new possibilities. There is life after your children are gone, I am living proof. I have other things I want to share at a later time but life is good. I look forward to seeing my children on the holidays. Right now though, I am going to live my best life……