The Birth of a Nation

Tomorrow March 22 my oldest son will be 22 years old. His Golden birthday as many would call it. It's easy to say I have been a mom for 22 years but motherhood starts before that. Motherhood begins in the womb. I was his mother before he was born. The decisions that I made while carrying him changed because I no longer had myself to think about. My life even during my pregnancy was all about him. My son, my firstborn, my first love, the one who made me grow up and taught me motherhood, was not an easy child to raise. My son is smart and he’s inquisitive but with all his intelligence he felt like he didn’t need adults. He didn’t need my guidance. His intelligence level was definitely beyond his years. He has an old soul. When he was a little boy he loved spending time with my grandmother. He would sing with her and he would pray for her and they would shout together. They would eat cornbread and sweet macaroni together. His love for her and her love for him was immense. For a while she seemed to be the only person who could keep him calm. When she died, he changed. He was angry all the time and I could tell he was pushing people away but I couldn’t comprehend why.

His behavior got to be more than my husband and I could handle. It was a very painful decision to make but during his eighth grade year we decided to send him to live with his dad. I knew that what he needed was more than I could give but letting him go was painful. It hurt me deeply. I cried for weeks. I felt that I failed him. I felt I failed at motherhood. I was devastated mostly because I felt I failed God. God had given me charge of this life. I felt as though I wasn’t a good steward over my son. Despite all the praying, structure, discipline, attention, none of it worked. I was an active parent in his school, then I took him out of the neighborhood school and put him in private school to give him a better chance at success and it failed. It was difficult to articulate how I felt on the inside as his mother. I honestly felt that I has abandoned him. In my mind I knew I was doing that best thing for him but my heart never aligned with that.

The next few years were difficult. The communication was very limited. When I called, my calls were usually unanswered, and not returned. When I did talk to him the conversation was strained. I knew he was angry with me and I had no idea how to fix it. This was my son, my flesh and blood and I had lost the connection with him. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to help me find this common place with my son. It was still a struggle.

Three years ago after graduating from High School, he decided to join the military. This decision wasn’t only the best thing for him but it turned out to be the best thing for us. The things that he was learning about himself during his trainings were eye opening for him. He started to realize that all the things I was teaching him were very accurate; he just wasn’t in a state of mind to receive them. The day he said to me “ ma I appreciate everything you taught me and I want to spend the rest of my life making you proud of me” was the greatest day of my life. I knew then that the bible was true. Train up a child in the way they should go, when he is old he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). I knew I had raised him right. I taught him how to be a good person, how to do good even when no one is watching. I knew it was all in there. To watch it all come to the surface now as he has become a man, make me proud to be his mother. No matter what happened in the past it has all culminated to this grown man that has come into the knowledge of himself. The grown man that is living his own life and making adult decisions and positively contributing to society. I am confident today that while we had some rough battles he came out whole. He's still growing and maturing but the point that he has reached today has made me proud to call him son.

The biggest lesson I learned as a parent is when you look at that new baby you have ideas and expectations of who they will be and what they will become. You have no perception of the problems or the pain and tears they will cause. But you fight and you keep loving them and keep leading them. Even if it feels like they are completely ignoring everything you are saying, keep saying it. Keep praying over them, keep leading on the path of righteousness. The day will come when it will all come to the surface and bring you great JOY!!!

Happy Birthday son!! I love you more than words can express. This is just the beginning of your greatness. The past is behind you and your future is bright. Stay on track and the sky will be the limit!