Stuck at the Gate

I sat down at my computer on Friday and I began to type. I knew what I wanted to share this week but for some reason it just wouldn’t come together. In my frustration I went back to bed. I felt defeated. I felt as if I had run out of words. But I’m not out of words. I’m stuck. I’m stuck in the same place I find myself every year this time for a long time now. It’s the holidays. And for a great deal of my adult life I am like this until after the new year. So much so that the other day my daughter asked me what was wrong and while I insisted it was nothing she had taken notice of the fact that I become kinda “meh” around this time every year. I sat with that for a while and I started to realize a few things. It was right after thanksgiving that my grandmother had her first stroke. That Christmas she was in the hospital and my mom was with her a great part of that day. Christmas was very different that year. Dinner was a flop (sorry to whoever cooked but it was) there were no $5 bills pinned to the tree for the kids which was Granny’s tradition. No ”sweet bread” (it’s just cake) for my birthday that came with the silliest birthday song. Just after the New Year in

2006 she died. Changed me forever. I miss my Granny in ways I can never put into words. So as I’m sitting with my thoughts on Saturday night I became very anxious and I needed to get out of the house. As much as I hate the grocery store I wanted to go.

The store was quiet almost at a stand still. No holiday hustle just a few shoppers and me. As I cruised up and down the isles I just kept thinking and thinking about how many traumatic things have happened in my life during the holidays. This was the first time I really sat with this. And I finally understood why I’m stuck. This year is particularly difficult with the addition of the coronavirus, the racial climate and the hundreds of thousands of people that have died this year. I feel sad for those families. They are grieving deeply and I am grieving with them.

So my post today is just to say I’m stuck and it’s totally ok. It’s ok because life happens. Life happens to everyone. When you find yourself in a situation where you feel you can’t move, a very beautiful thing has happened; you have acknowledged you have a problem and you want to find a way to fix it. Being stuck today doesn’t equate to being stuck forever. Acknowledging that there is a problem is fantastic but the most important part is figuring what steps you’re going to take to overcome.

Oddly today my Pastor’s sermon was about being free. I knew in that moment that God was hearing my heart and liberating me from my struggles. If you are stuck and are struggling God hears your heart because sometimes there are no words. He will lead you in a direction that will get you the freedom that you may not realize you need.

I don’t want to be sad anymore but right now in this moment I don’t know how not to be. My story today isn’t me looking for pity. It’s me saying if you’re stuck in a dark place I get it you aren’t alone and it gets better. I want to be excited about the holidays. So I’m going to do the work to get there. Because I’m worth the work; my children are worth the work; my future grand babies are worth the work. If you’re stuck, do your work. Surround yourself with people and things that are positive. People who will allow you to stand in your truth and not judge you for it. Most importantly pray because Heaven is listening. YOU ARE WORTH THE WORK!!