I realized very recently that I am socially awkward. If you know me personally you are probably thinking no way. I know I can be extremely outgoing and if given the right amount of attention I can also be the life of a party. But if I am completely honest, internally my clock is ticking. My social meter is always on a count down. What I learned about myself during my time in college was that I am an introverted extrovert. I am totally fine being alone and quite but when I want to socialize I can and do it very well. But once my clock times out I am done. I have nothing left to give. I have no more jokes, no more smiles, no more words, I’m done. I spent a lot of years being accused of having an attitude or being “some kinda way” when my social meter runs out. So much so I tried to change myself to appease others. In my effort to be what others wanted me to be I would talk to much and end up saying things I shouldn’t or end up sounding like an idiot because I was forcing myself to “be on”. I spent so long not being myself that I have become awkward.
The process of reestablishing my rhythm has been so strange. I am always thinking. I have to make sure I am not doing or saying anything crazy. I have to make sure I am not dominating conversations. I have to make room for the person/people I am engaging with. I don’t have to perform for acceptance. What motived this realization was a few weeks ago I was assisting a friend with a repast and out of habit I kept trying to force conversations. I stopped and asked myself “Brenda why are you doing this?” I had no idea. I don’t like small talk and I didn’t know 90% of the people there. My job was to serve food. So I kept reminding myself to focus on the job.
I spent too many years being forced to be different than who I am. But I have decided that I am going to be me and not concern myself with who is uncomfortable with it. The world has spent way too much time trying to normalize everybody being outgoing and social butterflies and if you are anything other than that you are labeled with an “attitude problem” or a weirdo. Its unfair to put people in a box to be only what you think they should be. Give people the space to learn who they are as individuals and then accept their individuality. If people aren’t talkative its totally fine. Find someone who is and talk until your face turns blue.
Another important thing I learned is how to show the same compassion and consideration that I want to be shown. If I want to my boundaries respected, I need to respect boundaries as well. Life is always evolving. You must, no matter how old you get, be willing to always learn and grow with it. Being older is not an excuse to be rude or my favorite “set in your ways”. That is an excuse to not grow. No matter how old you get you can learn something new. God made us all different for a reason. Honor those difference and give people the space to be themselves.