Self esteem is a tough subject for many because on some level many have struggled with it, or are currently struggling with it. I still, at 41, have days that I struggle with it. Self esteem is simply how you feel about yourself. But many have tied their self esteem into the opinion of others. There’s the family that is super critical that you are always trying to please and when they criticize you feel worthless. Or when you attach your self worth to a relationship and when he/she leaves you now you are left to feel empty as if you have nothing left to offer the world. And heavens forbid he’s abusive. You start to believe that no one else will want you or will ever see your beauty. What I learned as I was traveling through my own darkness is, it was never about anyone who had feelings or comments about me or anything concerning me ; it was always about me and how I feel about me. But it was easy for people to break you when you were already showing cracks.
Growing up I was always timid and insecure about myself. Then at about 11 or 12 my skin started changing. Little by little I got lighter and lighter. But in a very blotchy way. I went to I don’t know how many Dermatologists and they all had the same story, “I know what it looks like but that’s not what it is.” I was devastated. I was already being bullied but this made me a target. I couldn’t escape it. My cracks got deeper and deeper until I was shattered. I didn’t know where to even begin putting my pieces back together. I felt ugly. I felt unworthy of love. I felt like every bad thing that happened to me was warranted. I couldn’t even embrace the idea that God loved me because I felt completely worthless.
I can’t even recall what began my transformation but it was an internal change that needed to happen. After having suffered countless diagnosis, hospital stays, being put on this medicine and that medicine in an effort to control my conditions that were countering each other, and not to mention having given birth three times, I had gained a considerable amount of weight and I hated the way I looked. I put no effort into my appearance because I felt like it didn’t matter anyway. What I learned in later years is how embarrassed my family was of me. Not because of the weight but because how little I cared about myself. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and decided that I wanted to be better. Aside from the whole spiritual aspect I needed to feel better about myself for me. It was about me. If my children and husband decided to leave me that couldn’t determine my value and what I had to offer the world. I started a transformation of myself from the inside out. I bought myself a new wardrobe, new make-up and everything. I learned to walk with my head held high and not care what anyone else thought about me. I don’t always have it all together but I am a long way from where I was.
None of us are perfect. But you can be perfectly imperfect. Be perfectly you. No one can be you like you. If you are overweight, you are beautiful, if you are underweight you are beautiful. If you are short or tall you are beautiful. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. You look exactly how God intended for you to look. If you are unsatisfied with your body, change what you can. Let it be for you and not for anyone else. Hold your head high and present your best self to the world. If there is someone in your life that does not see your value right where you are they should not be in your life. I had to learn in pajamas, I was just as beautiful as I am in my Sunday best. We have to be careful with our words. We have no idea what the next person is struggling with. Always be kind…. You never know when you will need that kindness reciprocated.
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