When you give birth to your babies you are so consumed with the newness of parenting that the thought of your children being adults seems like a lifetime away. But somehow you blinked, and they were preparing for college, and you are left wondering where the time went. This is my new reality. My youngest is 18 now and finishing High School. As he prepares for college I am left wondering where the time went. But more importantly I am left with a new feeling. There is a very clear difference in parenting once your children reach a certain age. I am learning daily that they don’t need instruction, they sometimes need a listening ear while other times they need a little guidance. And as I parent my now adult children, I am learning the difference between instruction and guidance. Instruction is the act of teaching while guidance is reminding them of the things they have already learned.
My children are an interesting bunch. They usually don’t want my advice but want me to be their personal Olivia Pope. As much as I want to carry them through life and ward off every negative thing that they could possibly experience, I can’t. I will be doing them such a disservice. When I was their age, my mother advised me and warned me about all sorts of things that she saw me falling into. Sometimes I listened, most times I didn’t. She didn’t swoop in and save me from myself, she let me learn from my own mistakes. I don’t know if she was having an internal battle like I am when I struggle to let my kids learn from their mistakes, but I learned some hard lessons. I want to save them from themselves as much as humanly possible, but the truth is I can't. They are adults now. At some point you must trust what you have taught them.
I did my absolute best to prepare them for life. Did I get it all right? Absolutely not. While I was trying to raise them, I was working through my own trauma. I gave them fears and apprehensions unintentionally. I even gave them some of my anger subconsciously. So, I totally missed the mark of perfection. But I did my best to undo the damage I did. I consistently spoke life over them. Even in the midst of my own brokenness. Therefore, I will always be there to steer them in the right direction when they feel themselves drifting or guide them through something that they believe they can’t handle. As I learn I teach. I will remind them that they are great and that they can do anything they put their minds to. I will also be working to resist being their personal fixer. I need them to be strong and independent, not weak and codependent.
As we all navigate this new and unchartered territory, I am open to learning who these new people are. They are smart and wise and vigilant. They have more strength than even I realize. So as I take this new seat in the lives of my children I know now that they will always need me just in different ways.