Married with Children

Being married requires so much time and attention. It is certainly not for the faint of heart. In the same way being a parent requires the same level of time and attention. When you pair the two any mother can think she is in over her head. If any mom tells you that they have not contemplated at some point running away and never coming back, they are lying. The life of a wife and mother is beautiful but can be overwhelming at times. June 28th I will be married for 19 years. Trust me when I tell you that those years came with a bumpy ride. Most of that time I was home raising my kids. My husband worked long hour and would come home in the evenings or late nights exhausted. God bless him most nights all he wanted was a hot meal, a hot shower, and a back rub. I on the other hand after a day of cleaning, cooking, kid activities (whatever they may have been) not to mention there were periods I was a student myself, I had nothing to give. Sometimes there was a hot meal, always a hot shower but rarely were there back rubs. I would be asleep most nights when he came in from work. Somehow being a wife took a back seat to being a mother. While I was proud to be a present mother (wasn’t 100% at that either) not to mention my health decline, I had nothing to give at the end of the day. I was drained. I knew my children were a priority and I did what I could to pour myself into them. But that came with a price. The cost was myself and the breakdown of my relationship. I could feel the distance developing but I just tried to push through.

Fast forward to present day and the hardest part of parenting is behind us. The kids are adults now and I have successfully rediscovered myself. Nothing left now as we become empty nesters very soon, is my marriage. There are no words that can truly express how much I love my husband. We have survived some of the worse possible tragedies together. Some of those tragedies were internal while others were external, but we were there together to battle them all. The last two decades, we have aged, we have evolved; we see the world differently in our 40s than we did in our 20s and we are trying to learn who we are as 40 somethings. Having all the time now to focus on my marriage has helped me realize the mistake I made early on. Yes, I needed to give a lot of my attention to my children. But that was never an excuse to disregard the needs of my husband. Being a married mother does require being able to be a master multitasker. There were many days that I dropped the ball. No one is expecting perfection just an effort. One of the most valuable lessons I learned is do not make your husband feel like he doesn’t matter. That is a recipe for disaster. There is always a woman waiting on the sideline waiting to swoop in. I am honored to have the opportunity to have this second wind. My husband and I am old enough to appreciate the lessons life have taught us and young enough to still enjoy each other.

Do not lose yourself in the day to day. Be as committed to yourself and your spouse as you are your children. Taking care of myself is my first priority. When I take care of me, I feel better, and I have more to give. And let me just be honest we all have some night gowns and some hair scarves that need to be done away with. Give your spouse the best of yourself. Yes, we are tired. After homework and dinner and baths who has the energy to be a wife? Not many. But always make time for your spouse. Even if it is a new nightgown and a conversation make sure he knows that he is and will always be the most important man in your life.