It Wasn't a Heart Attack

From the inception of this blog I have been very candid with you all about many of my struggles. This week will be no different.

October 2018 I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. This was on the heels of a four day hospital stay, being transferred from one hospital to another, countless tests and monitoring. Upon my discharge my doctor sat down and explained to me that they had run every test known to man and my heart was fine (I thought I was having a heart attack). He then proceeded to explain that what I had experienced was a panic attack. As far as I knew I had never experienced this before but the more he explained the more I realized I had been experiencing them my whole life and had no idea what was happening to me.

While I was trying to get my thoughts together for this post I called my sister (one of many) and she told me about why she hates Halloween. Well when I was 2 years old someone put on a werewolf mask and scared me until I was too frightened to move. I cried uncontrollably for an extended period of time she said as I sat on the lap of another sister. Now while I don’t remember that I can tell you that I don’t watch any horror movies and to this very day if something or someone startles me I cry. Without hesitation tears are rolling. It all made sense. This was my first traumatic experience. My consciousness forgot it but my subconscious did not. Over the course of my lifetime I have experienced many things that have scarred me. But what I didn’t realize was how my body was processing it all.

So here I am with this diagnosis and I have no idea what to do with it. I sat with my husband and we talked about it and what it meant for us going forward. He really encouraged me to do as much research as I could (he wants to know everything about everything). That’s what I did. I did the research and learned that my doctor was spot on. If you have Anxiety Disorder you may experience:

Behavioral: hypervigilance, irritability, or restlessness

Cognitive: lack of concentration, racing thoughts, or unwanted thoughts

Whole body: fatigue or sweating

Also common: anxiety, excessive worry, fear, feeling of impending doom, insomnia, nausea, palpitations (why I thought I was having a heart attack), or trembling.

This was me to a tee. As I look over my past Facebook posts, there were periods when I couldn’t sleep and it went on for months. Before my anxiety was under control I was always bothered. The slightest thing would enrage me. I was stressed to the max. I had to be the best at everything and if I wasn’t I didn’t try hard enough. I would mentally beat myself up. I was struggling with a smile on my face. I was carrying so much emotional baggage until my panic attacks were my body screaming for help but I didn’t speak the language.

As a woman; a black woman, a mother, a wife, a minister, a sister, a daughter, I wanted to be all things to all people but the number of people who were pouring into me was so small I was in a deficit. I had internalized so much over my lifetime until it all came to a head. 2018 I’m back in therapy. Most of my sessions she would ask me a couple questions and the floodgates would open. Tears and sobbing and me finally freeing myself of my truth in a way I never have before. The more I purged to more came up and out. And finally I leveled out. I was finally able to make sense out of so many things because I suffered from something I had no control over.

Mental health issues are as real as 2020. Most of us would like to pretend 2020 isn’t happening but it’s happening and we are living every frightening day of it. Imagine 2020 is someone’s brain. A place you can never really get comfortable because you don’t know what to expect from day to day. This was my life. This is how I lived everyday until 2018.

I feel good now. While I still have the occasional episode, I feel good when I say no to something. I am taking care of my mental health. When I’ve gone as far as I can go I don’t push. I know my limits now. The chaos in my head has cleared. I got clear with therapy, prayer and meds. Yes meds. I used to be embarrassed but I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m taking care of myself and it feels amazing.

If you find that you are suffering from any of these symptoms call your doctor. They can lead you in the right direction. There is no shame in being overwhelmed. You may not need meds you may just need to purge. But reach out. There are people out there who can and will help you. You are worth the work……