I woke up this morning at about 5:30 because I felt incredibly restless. Because I couldn’t sleep I turned on the tv and there was a story about a young man who was a student at SIU that had gone missing. Five days later he was found dead in the woods 500 feet from the hotel his parents were staying in. I was completely captivated by this story because the police wanted his family to believe he simply froze to death. I watched this mother fight for justice for her baby. She fought for more than four years to bring her son’s killer to justice who was only 19 at the time of his death.
This story hit me hard. I have a 19 year old who is in college. I ask myself so many questions all the time. Did I teach them enough? Are they ready? The biggest question I asked myself this morning as I grieved with this mother is did I fail them?
My youngest just turned 18 so the hardest part of parenting is behind me. But this phase comes with new worries and concerns. They are all at the beginning stages of adulthood and some days I feel like I didn’t adequately prepare my kids for life.
I start to beat up on myself but then I remember that despite my brokenness I gave them the best I had to give. I loved my kids enough to heal; to work through my trauma. It was not easy but I did it to be better for them. No, I didn't always make the best decisions or say the right thing. But I tried. I gave it my best. When I learned better I did better.
As I watched Lovely Varughese fight for her son, I realized that despite all my mistakes and all my shortcomings, if I was in her shoes I would fight just as hard. I wouldn’t allow my trauma or my anxiety to stand in the way of standing for my kids. That’s when I started to feel the guilt disapate.
Moms and dads if you feel like you aren’t doing your best for your kids trust me when I tell you you are. The mere facts that you are wondering speaks to your love for your family. You’re not going to always hit your mark. Sometimes you’re going to miss and miss big. But give yourself a break because you're trying. Don’t beat yourself up because one day you’re going to look at your son or daughter and they are going to be successful and wonderful humans. That’s when we will all realize that our uncertainty was for nothing.