For the last few weeks I have been experiencing this unusual intense desire for a baby. I know it's crazy right. I love the idea of having a baby but only in theory. I have no desire to actually carry a baby or raise one. I am just feeling this overwhelming sense of separation as my kids grow older. My youngest is months away from graduating High School and the college acceptance letters are rolling in. We are up to 10 now. I am so proud of him while simultaneously feeling terrified and lost. I have been a mom for 23 years now. And for 23 years I have dedicated my life to these three humans. Now here I am at the end of this phase and it feels horrible. I feel a little empty. With every acceptance letter my son gets my anxiety goes up a little more. My emotions tell me if I have another baby it will fill this void I'm feeling. While my brain and my body is saying girl get your life!!
While I am struggling through my own separation syndrome, I realized yesterday that something very beautiful is happening. There is this newness blossoming in my marriage that I am thoroughly enjoying. We are no longer overwhelmed with the day to day of little people. We have time to sit and enjoy each other's company. I feel like I am falling in love with this man all over again. Only this time he has my undivided attention. There’s no potty training, my babies to nurse, no pampers to change, no midnight feedings, no teacher conferences, no fights to break up, no meltdowns to fix, it's just us.
This is a very new experience. We have never had a time in our entire marriage that children didn’t exist. I came to the table with my son. On our wedding day we had 2 kids. Our entire life has been about the kids. Now we are older and more mature. We are in a place to really appreciate where we are now.
So although I as a mother am sad that this phase of my life is ending, I am so excited about what is happening next. I am loving getting to know the older and mature Joe. I am excited about getting off work and seeing him. I love how he after 22 years still gives me butterflies. Although the baby fever hasn’t completely passed I am going to completely embrace this newness.