This has been such a strange week. I have had to work through so many different emotions. On Monday I took my youngest son to the airport to board a plane alone for the first time in his life. He is going on a trip for spring break, and this was a real struggle for me for so many reasons. My little people came, and they may not know this, but they saved me. They gave me a reason to live. While that is a responsibility that should have never been theirs, they gave me a reason to fight for myself. So, to love them the way I do despite all my brokenness, watching them grow up has been bittersweet. As I stood in the airport with my son watching him communicate with the agent, I was so proud of him while simultaneously fighting back tears. This was not the first time my kids have traveled without me. Every summer since my oldest was 9 they went to sleep away camp. But this moment was different. This felt like something different was happening, like the beginning of the end.
They were so much fun as little people they were funny and honest and loved being the center of attention to put on a show. They all loved making people laugh and to this very day they are still the same way. Watching them grow and evolve into the people they are now makes me so proud to be their mother. They love helping others and contributing to society in positive ways. While they are still very much still normal teenagers with normal teen angst, they are amazing kids.
The flip side to that is as they got older, they did not need me nearly as much as they did when they were younger, so I started to feel this sense of separation as they grew up. I was sad then happy then I was lonely then overwhelmed. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I felt like I needed a few days away from them while other days I felt like I do not want them out of my sight. So here I am a mother with 2.5 adult children. In six months my youngest will be 18 and soon coming out of High School. This phase will be over. Its their time now. I spent the first 18 years of their lives teaching and training and preparing them for adulthood. So no matter how terrified I may be and how “not ready yet” I think they are I realize that I can’t hold their hands anymore. I need to cut the strings and let them fly.
Many people have told me that I am just being ridiculous because they have looked forward to their children being out of the house. What I learned over time is what I feel has nothing to do with what anyone else feels. I also learned that I needed to find things that fulfill me that is outside of being parent. As much as I love my kids, I am more than just their mother. So, while I miss them when they are away and love to see them when they return, I know the importance and the value of having something that is just mine. Having a place to be that does not require my identity as a mother. I have effectively found those things and it very fulfilling and refreshing.
I realize the days of singing the Bohemian Rhapsody with my son and but bursting in his room just to stare at him are coming to an end very soon. He is going to move on to the next phase and he is going to put everything I have taught him to work. His brother and sister are already doing an exemplary job at showing the world that I raised solid humans. When the day comes, in just over a year I know he will excel, and all my worrying will be for nothing.
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